My son, who is 8 has played for his team now for a year and a half now, I accept that he has the least ability on the team but to counter this he has the most enthusiasm.
The coach was very fair in the first season giving most kids a good run out, recently this has begun to get less and less for 2 players, my son included.
This weekend we attended a large tournament in our area and all the kids were really excited to spend the day together and play new teams.
It was clear from the first game that my son was going to have a minimal part in the tournament as he played for the last 90 seconds of the first game. I didn’t say anything and thought he will balance it out over the remaining games. Subs went on and off and each time my son looked at the coach hoping it would be him.
My heart wrenched every time my son looked at the coach, in total my son played just over 6 minutes at a full day tournament. To put this into perspective, we pay our subs like everyone else, we cancelled other plans to attend because my son wanted to play, Im sure I’m not the only one who thinks this is wrong.
My son put a brave face on until we got in the car, he instantly began crying which broke my heart, I said I would find a new team for him which made him more upset. For the first time as a mother I really didn’t know what to say or do to make things better.
The irony in all this is the coach and my son have a really close relationship and my son looks up to him like he’s a super hero. He always said that he wanted to develop his team and would be devastated if he upset any of the players. I won’t bad mouth the coach because 99% of the time he is a genuine bloke who loves the kids, anyone who met him would agree, but I think he may be so engrossed in winning the game that he’s forgetting his roots and his players.
I had the same with my son to the point I pulled him out. My sons pain then became our pain. I moved teams and he was so happy playing well scoring goals but our face didn’t fit so after helping the team get to division 2, they told us they were letting him go as he wasn’t strong enough.
My son also has adhd so the anger and upset was so bad I asked him to quit.
But NO my son loves football, so we found a team in a lower level, he loves the team, he likes to be part of the lads and he plays a full game now nearly every week.
Some of these coaches forget who got them to where they are to start with.
I hope your son finds happiness.
Superhero or not, coach is either incapable or a clown
We had the same with our boy he wasn’t the greatest but had enthusiasm and tried his best he was a little older than ur child but he started every game on the bench lucky if he got 10 mins a game sometimes he never got to even play more than 5 mins absolutely shocking then got put back to just training because he wasn’t as good as the others football teams are shocking now all about wining not just about having fun like it’s supposed to be it ruined his love for football and his younger brothers too all 3 used to play but soon as my oldest was treated bad they all stepped away now we are going through the same thing with my youngest and the school football team the coach don’t play him even tho he’s a good player he’s not the top players so he dosent get a look in his name is never on the game list anymore so heartbreaking and soul crunching
My daughter was exactly the same! She was asked to join a team! Never reconsidered for her hard work, played in the positions the others didn’t want to! Tried her hardest but eventually got pushed away!! She joined a new team and wow! What a player she has become under proper coaches!!
Don’t give up!!
For players up to u12, equal playing time must become a rule of the game, endorsed by the federation/league.
It’s very hard for an individual coach to create this themselves, and explain to parents why our strongest team is not always on the team.
Although coaches can certainly do more to educate parents in their development approach and why this is good for their child.
For this age group, the match needs to be seen as an extension of training and learning and enjoying, not a scouting tool or pathway to the pros.. there is time for that later at the pro club academy level.
For young, super enthusiastic “high talent” players, there are plenty of additional options for development in private academies and camps.
But we can’t have a system that sacrifices the majority of kids for the few potential stars of the future.
To be honest I think equal playing time should be all the way up to adult football. I always had an excel spreadsheet for the game prepared who was playing when and where and we followed it as good as we could, because sometimes you have boys that wanted to be subbed or got hurt. I kept the sheets on my laptop and could show them to any parent who wanted to see it. Also I made sure that the we not had the same boys starting the game / we’re on the beach from the start. I believe, as a couch, you have to make sure your boys ( or girls) feel all appreciated and supported. The phrase I see quite often on this site is :nobody remembers the games that they won or lost, but they do remember they had a good time!
As a youth manager decade’s ago, I saw this same scenario play out several times, often with tournaments that included expensive travel for parents and players. The state association prohibited releasing players mid year, and this was an effective way to get players to quit, freeing roster space for new talent. Never understood how adults who claim to care about children could be so cruel.
This is the current academy system in a nutshell: “a system that sacrifices the majority of kids for the few potential stars of the future”. Kids go to an academy, get dropped (most of them have to be) and then give up the game. I think parents should avoid competitive, league based, sport until their kids are old enough fully to understand winning and losing, that some kids are better at some things than others and that you don’t have to excel at something to enjoy it. Coaches need to explain to parents and kids that everyone gets a game, that it’s not all about winning and losing and it’s the job of everyone involved to encourage everyone, not just the stars.
Have had a similar experience with my son who is U12. Few weeks back, semi-final of the cup. Pouring with rain, cold and windy. Started as a sub and wasn’t given any minutes. Was made to stand in the freezing rain, wet through. No communication from the coaches before, during or after the game about the potential of little to no game time. Also, no reassurances that he will get game time the following week. It broke his heart. He questioned why his coaches didn’t think he was good enough to contribute at least 5 minutes for his team.
Rather than approaching the coaches after the game (which they lost) as this had happened earlier in the season with my son’s friend which turned into a full blown argument between his dad and one of the coaches. We came away and sent an email to both coaches explaining our concerns about how our son was treated on that day.
They saw this as a dig at their coaching and that we were parents that just wanted to complain about game time. However it was more the fact that they made him stand in atrocious weather without any explanation as to why he didn’t play. It came to light that they had no intention of putting him on at all. This had been decided before the weekends game. All we wanted was for the coaches to be more transparent with the children and if they felt they couldn’t do that be transparent with the parents. If they had no intention to play him why not let us know before so we could have that conversation with him. Confusingly for our son, was that a couple of weeks before he played a full game and got player of the match.
We sent the email in the hope that we would open up a chain of communication with the coaches however they told us (through a third party) that he wasn’t welcome back. Again we felt this was very poor from the coaches. We have since found him a new team, he seems to be enjoying his football again which is all we want and it looks like he will be signed up for next season.
Have had a similar experience with my son who is U12. Few weeks back, semi-final of the cup. Pouring with rain, cold and windy. Started as a sub and wasn’t given any minutes. Was made to stand in the freezing rain, wet through. No communication from the coaches before, during or after the game about the potential of little to no game time. Also, no reassurances that he will get game time the following week. It broke his heart. He questioned why his coaches didn’t think he was good enough to contribute at least 5 minutes for his team.
Rather than approaching the coaches after the game (which they lost) as this had happened earlier in the season with my son’s friend which turned into a full blown argument between his dad and one of the coaches. We came away and sent an email to both coaches explaining our concerns about how our son was treated on that day.
They saw this as a dig at their coaching and that we were parents that just wanted to complain about game time. However it was more the fact that they made him stand in atrocious weather without any explanation as to why he didn’t play. It came to light that they had no intention of putting him on at all. This had been decided before the weekends game. All we wanted was for the coaches to be more transparent with the children and if they felt they couldn’t do that be transparent with the parents. If they had no intention to play him why not let us know before so we could have that conversation with him. Confusingly for our son, was that a couple of weeks before he played a full game and got player of the match.
We sent the email in the hope that we would open up a chain of communication with the coaches however they told us (through a third party) that he wasn’t welcome back. Again we felt this was very poor from the coaches. We have since found him a new team, he seems to be enjoying his football again which is all we want and it looks like he will be signed up for next season.
My son who is a goalkeeper had quite a few teams , coaches all said he was really good but then binned him of as he was small . He got very disheartened at times . Now he is 6ft+ and is playing at a higher level than any of the keepers that were brought in to replace him (he even gets paid to play) . Moral of story is don’t get too disheartened as kids develop at different ages and at that age it’s all about enjoyment .
I could have written this myself. We pulled my 7yo boy before the last game of a tournament as he had, had less than 5 minutes game time in 1 hour of football.
We had discussed with the coaches a few times regarding my son playing less football than his teammates, which was received well but nothing changed. It was the final straw when he got 38 seconds on the pitch in the first game of the tournament.
We left really upset and my son didn’t go back. My husband then took on a team so this didn’t happen again. It’s very early days but it seems to be going well and I can only hope that my boys confidence will continue to grow. It seems that this sort of thing happens more than we realise.
The age old football coach dilemma; equal game time or play to strengths.
Equal game time in the development leagues creates a nurturing, inclusive ethos.
Playing to strengths in the competitive leagues creates challenge and pushes player ability to the max.
Parents need to be realistic and decide which of these two things they wish for their child…..and find the APPROPRIATE team for them……say in the B league your child gets little game time…..look for a C or D league team where the appropriate level of play will help them flourish rather than always feel a failure in a team at top top of their ability.
We need to nurture young kids but also build resilience and realism…..not everyone can be the best at everything….find the place that fits ur ability 🙂
Very shocked to read this about a U9 team,let alone in the UK, where they were stopping this 10 years ago.They know better & likely have a licensed coach for that age.Also, there is no “lowest ability” kid on a team at U9. All in developing in 4 quadrants!
We raised a lot of money for my sons old team for tournaments. There were one/two tournaments a week from the end of the season, to the new season. My son played in two. We only ever found out about the tournaments due to social media posts after the tournament had taken place, as these were always arranged in secret. The same kids were chosen for each tournament even new kids who had been poached from other teams played. I challenged one of the coaches and he had no answer to give me. Week on week, whatever the weather, my son was then left on the sideline getting less and less game time each week. He would follow them round, crying on the sideline, waiting for his turn to play. My son was eventually forced out of the team by the coaches. After his confidence being knocked, he realised his worth and chose to leave. Since leaving the team, the same is happening to different children. I don’t know how adults can treat children in this way.
As a mum and a coach, these stories break my heart.
I’ve been there too. My son is shy and timid so joining a team was a big deal. The first team he tries the coach was awful – led him along through summer training then phoned me before a training session to say my son could no longer come. I was devasted for him, and furious. I phoned a coach friend who invited him to their team.
A much more welcoming team but then the coach only played him a few minutes here and there. He isn’t the best footballer but he is technically good, just timid and was scared to do something wrong (confidence took a hit from the earlier team). We once drove an hour for him to have 5 minutes game time – not impressed.
My solution turned out to be taking over as team coach when the old coach left (I appreciate this is definitely not for everyone!). I literally spend an hour planning out match time to get as fair time as possible – and they’ve just finished their u12 season. If this had happened at u8/u9/u10 etc, then they would all have developed. Now, having been given plenty of game time, they’re all so much better, but because these are mostly kids who have been let down by the system/previous coaches they’re behind others in their age group.
Be reassured, there are coaches around who want to develop players and let them have fun playing football. They are probably likely to be found at the lower divisions but I’ve seen some great coaches this year be rewarded with promotions for building a team, not relying on a couple of good players.
There are so many things I want to change about grassroots football – people coaching for their egos and not for the kids is at the top of that list.